Medley of Love..

Part I: End of the Road

Although we’ve come to the end of the road

Still I can’t let go

Its unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you

The journey that they had embarked on had reached its final destination. Only, it wasn’t Next stop, Happiness, but rather a fork at the end of the road, with each of them going their separate ways, each mile that they traverse taking them further apart. She was scared. It was against everything that they had dreamt of, and he wasn’t supposed to let go that easily. Or let go at all. They belonged together. Even he himself had told her that he would be with her till the end of time. Ironically, he was true to his word. He was with her till the end of their time together, until the moment he walked away from her.

Part II: Be Without You

Chemistry was crazy from the get-go

Neither one of us knew why

We didn’t build nothing overnight

Cuz a love like this takes some time

That was what she thought they had. It wasn’t love at first sight, but falling for each other slowly, gradually, to the point where he completed her, and she, him. They took baby steps, slowly laying down the foundation of their love, cementing it layer by layer. Now all that was left was like the aftermath of an earthquake – their memories strewn everywhere, and her, trapped beneath a large chunk of rubble, barely able to breathe.

Part III: Kissing A Fool

People, you can never change the way they feel
Better let them do just what they will
For they will, if you let them
Steal your heart from you

People, will always make a lover feel a fool
But you knew i loved you
We could have shown them all
We should have seen love through

I guess you were kissing a fool
You must have been kissing a fool

He knew how she felt about him. How she loved him, and how just his mere existence had become an integral part of her life. He was her Robin Hood, for he had stolen her heart, the one thing she safeguarded, right under her very own eyes. She was a fool. A naïve fool to think that for once, love could be devoid of complications. She learnt it the hard way. Nothing was ever simple.

Part IV: Where Do Broken Hearts Go?

I know it’s been some time
But there’s something on my mind
You see, I haven’t been the same
Since that cold November day…
We said we needed space
But all we found was an empty place
And the only thing I learned
Is that I need you desperately…

And if somebody loves you
Won’t they always love you
I look in your eyes
And I know that you still care, for me

A month has passed since he left her hanging by a thread. He was happy with his newfound space, but she wasn’t. On the surface, she looked happy. She was constantly around a group of friends, always going places. At least, that was what she wanted him to think. Because that was what he wanted her to do. But in reality, she never felt so alone. Nobody ever really knew how she felt, for she was a master of disguises, her face betraying no emotion.  But if you looked closely enough, you would notice that her smile doesn’t quite reach her eyes. He knew that, and occasionally he cared enough to try and bring the sparkle back into her eyes. Little did he know that his care and concern, and his nonchalant attitude at times was confusing her, slowly tearing her apart.

Part V: What If?

What if we were wrong about each other
what if you were really made for me
what if we were supposed to be together
would that not mean anything
what if that was supposed to be my house
that you go home to everyday
how can you be sure that things are better
if you can’t be sure your heart ain’t still here with me
Still wanting me

There would always be plenty of ‘What If’s in her head. If circumstances had been different. If she was different, if he was different. Perhaps she hadn’t been good enough for him, or had kept him on a short leash. She wanted what they had constantly talked about, their dreams for the future. She really wanted to know if he still felt a little bit of love for her, if he still wanted her.

Part VI: Careless Whisper

Tonight the music seems so loud
I wish that we could lose this crowd
Maybe it’s better this way
We’d hurt each other with the things we’d want to say

We could have been so good together
We could have lived this dance forever
But no one’s gonna dance with me
Please stay

Now everywhere they went together, there was a crowd. It was as if he was afraid of being alone with her, afraid that she might overwhelm him with her feelings. They were afraid that they would blurt their feelings out at the spur of the moment, and their words like daggers, piercing deep into their being. They had their own special rhythm, one no one could ever pick up, but yet, here she was, all alone, with no one to dance with. She wanted nobody but him.

Part VII: White Flag

And when we meet, As I’m sure we will
All that was there, Will be there still
I’ll let it pass, And hold my tongue
And you will think, That I’ve moved on

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be 

Despite all that has happened, her feelings for him still burns strong. Everytime she sees him, she wants to tell him how she feels, but the words just won’t form. She wants to tell him things like how she misses him, how she loves him despite him breaking her heart, and how she still needs and wants him in her life. But those words will only stay locked in her heart, because she is afraid he doesn’t want her to say anything. She wills her brain to send messages to him via mental telepathy, but what she really wants to know is if there were words he wanted to say to her in his heart too. But she’ll never know. Fate may have dealt its cards to her, but she knew she held the final decision. She wasn’t going to put up her white flag just yet, for she was in love with him. And always will be.

Always..

This Romeo is bleeding
But you can’t see his blood
It’s nothing but some feelings
That this old dog kicked up

A week. It has only been a week. But deep in her heart, it felt like months, years even. A week since she heard him laugh. A week since he left her behind. A week since she last heard him say those words. A week that she has been slowly dying inside. She stares at the picture in her hand, sliding her thumb across his smiling features. How she missed him.

“Michael.” His name resonates against the walls of her room.
It’s been raining since you left me
Now I’m drowning in the flood
You see I’ve always been a fighter
But without you I give up

I can’t sing a love song
Like the way it’s meant to be
Well, I guess I’m not that good anymore
But baby, that’s just me

It was as if he took away the one element that brightened up her world when he walked out on her that day. Whatever she did was just a half-hearted attempt. The only thing she really put her heart into was missing him madly.  Blindly.

There were other people who tried to cheer her up, you had to give them credit for that. But her smiles were less than genuine, her laughs were always hollow. All that was left of her was an empty shell, so fragile that it would crack at the slightest pressure. Hairline cracks were already starting to show. She wondered how much longer she could hold up this Superwoman façade, pretending to be smiley when people asked how she was, when what she wanted to do most was to just break down and cry.

And I will love you, baby – Always
And I’ll be there forever and a day – Always
I’ll be there till the stars don’t shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don’t rhyme
And I know when I die, you’ll be on my mind
And I’ll love you – Always

She never held back once and gave him her all in this relationship, including the power to break her heart. She didn’t know it would hurt this much. Her heart wasn’t just broken, it was shattered. Tiny shards of glass that cut her fingers whenever she tried to pick the pieces up.  It was only him who held the Superglue to mend her heart back. If it had been anyone else, any other guy – she would’ve just let him walk away and move on with her life, but these intense feelings – this love she felt for him just would not leave her alone.

Now your pictures that you left behind
Are just memories of a different life
Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry
One that made you have to say goodbye
What I’d give to run my fingers through your hair
To touch your lips, to hold you near
When you say your prayers try to understand
I’ve made mistakes, I’m just a man

She was reminded of him everywhere she went. Places they used to go on dates, cheesy love songs of which she used to send random lines to him. Everything was like a fibre in the material they had woven. As she reminisced on those memories, silent tears slid down her face. She missed everything about him with every single fiber of her being. How he looked and smelt like, how it felt when he held her tight, the anticipation of his kisses, down to his mood swings and grumpiness. She knew he wasn’t perfect, and neither was she. She had her flaws, he had to understand that. Deep down, she wondered if it was her flaws that pushed him away.

When he holds you close, when he pulls you near
When he says the words you’ve been needing to hear
I’ll wish I was him ’cause those words are mine
To say to you till the end of time

She dreaded the day when he was ready for a relationship again, and if he said that it was with another girl. She loved him too much to let him go, and deep down, she knew that they had something special. And they could create more wonderful memories, take this relationship to greater heights. But only if he gave her another chance.

If you told me to cry for you
I could
If you told me to die for you
I would
Take a look at my face
There’s no price I won’t pay
To say these words to you

It’s almost as though they are strangers now. All they do is talk about work and their little one – it used to be that they’d speak of plans for lunch, fun places to go to and the occasional random mush. She misses that. She’d walk on hot coals for him, metaphorically of course, do anything he wanted her to. She wanted, no, NEEDED him back so badly. To honestly tell him that she loved him, and it being reciprocated.

Well, there ain’t no luck
In these loaded dice
But baby if you give me just one more try
We can pack up our old dreams
And our old lives
We’ll find a place where the sun still shines

She wanted another chance. At happiness. At life. At love. At HIM. When she was with him, she felt whole. A long time ago, she had given up on believing in divine intervention after she felt that the powers that be had failed her one too many times. But now, she had nothing more to lose anymore. Every night after she turned off the lights, she would kneel at the side of her bed, hands clasped tightly, saying a silent prayer, for them to be together again.

I’ll be there till the stars don’t shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don’t rhyme
And I know when I die, you’ll be on my mind
And I’ll love you – Always

Yes, one thing was true. She would and will love him with all her heart – Always. He was the only one who could make her whole again.

Details in the Fabric..

Memories of their happy times play in her head in vivid technicolor. Little details of him were etched into her memory, unerasable despite what happened. Like how he had a small mole on his left cheek. His favorite color. How he ate certain food in certain way. Or how he wouldn’t eat raw vegetables unless they were diced or shredded. Nevertheless, he still refused to touch tomatoes. TOMATOES. He said to-MAH-to, she said to-MAY-to. But that didn’t matter. Anymore. For now.

He wasn’t with her, was no longer by her side. He was embarking on a journey that he couldn’t bring her along, sailing further and further away from her heart, where he had resided for a very long while, long enough to make a permanent HIM shaped indent on the soft cushion that was her heart. Pain flowed through all four chambers, a pain no one could see, feel or understand except him. Yet this time, he would not be there to be the balm for it. Plenty of questions were still left hanging in her head, but yet who was there to answer them? Who could? Little by little she has to learn how to pick herself up, laying brick by brick and building a wall over her heart. But this time there would be a door with a key.

A key she would give him IF the wind changed his courses and led him back to her. She was confused. Didn’t know to hope for the best or the worst. She still loved him very much. Much more than he knows. More than everybody knows. She had put in far too many years to let it just slide by. But she was afraid. Afraid all this love would become unrequited if he stopped at another port. Nevertheless, until then, she would leave the porch light on for him. For him to rely on to get home should he lose his way home. And that was the way it would be. Until the day he stopped loving her.

I’ve been so happy loving you..

Dear diary,

We are all storytellers of our own lives, weaving our own masterpieces through our stories. Some may be an intricately woven scarf, while others are coarse, crude, mismatching socks in the drabbest shade of grey. What Mike and I have, well, is still a sweater in the making. One with a medley of bright hues, each stitch knitted with care, for fear of a mistake unravelling the hard work put in.

At times, I do ponder on the fact that how two people so different yet so alike are so happily in love like me and the fat, snoring bump lying next to me. He’s the extrovert, I’m the introvert. He’s into rock, I’m into R&B. We’re the metaphorical chalk and cheese. But somehow, someway, he managed to infiltrate the troops and tore down the wall that I had built meticulously around my heart. Single handedly. Ha. The Germans should have learnt a thing or two from him. Cheesy as it sounds, he’s the one that puts the fullstop to my neverending, 20 word sentences. He may just be Michael Yen to you, but he’s MICHAEL YEN to me. MY MICHAEL YEN.

What I’ve learnt so far these few days, to KIV ( and with the English meanings as well, I know you read my diary, MICHAEL YEN YOU NOSY PARKER!)

No puedo esperar a volver a hacerte el amor otra vez. Echo de menos todas esas noches. Te quiero. (HA, got you there. Bet you’ll be wondering what this means, you love rat!)

Toi et moi- Ça ne changera pas

You and me- It doesn’t change

Sei la mia anima gemella.

You’re my soulmate.

Liebe ist kein Wort aber was Ich fühle für Dich

Love is not a word but what I feel for you

Ich liebe Dich in allen Sprachen der Welt

I love You in every language in the world

Cada día te quiero más que ayer y menos que mañana.

I love you more than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow.

Du schmelzt mein herz, wie eine schokolade en einem heissen sommer tag

You melt my heart like chocolate on a hot summer day.

Uh oh, Michael’s stirring now, so its time to sleep. Till I write again.

Xoxo, Megan

You Put the Beautiful in Life..

His alarm clock screams its little mechanical lungs out, pulling him back from a distant land. The unmistakable smell of buttermilk waffles wafts up from the staircase and into his bedroom, its scent beckoning him downstairs to the warmth of the kitchen. A smile plays on his lips. Today was the day. She is cooking him breakfast. A rare treat lately.

He rubs his bleary eyes, grabs something from his dresser, puts on his bedroom slippers and pads slowly down to the kitchen. Their own kitchen. There she was, apron over her power suit, making his breakfast for him. She spots him, gives him a distracted kiss and continues cooking. Few minutes later, hot steaming heart-shaped waffles are sitting on the table in front of him. Typical of her. For some reason she loved to prepare heart shaped food for him. Heart shaped eggs. Heart shaped cookies. Heart shaped chocolates.

“Alright Michael I’ve gotta go now I can’t afford to be late for work this time after what happened the last time i cooked you breakfast and you know”

He hops up. Silences her midsentence with a kiss and a hug. Unbeknownst to her he had slipped something in the pocket of her skirt.

“Run along now honeybunny or you’re going to be late.”

He winks at her, she whips off her apron and grabs her suitcase and is off in a flurry.

She sits at her desk, engrossed in reading and replying emails. Her cellphone emits the sultry voice of John Legend, she picks it up, presses the tiny green button and says hello.

“I just called to say I love you, Megan”

“Love you too Michael. Now I gotta get back to my work.”

Type type type. John Legend starts singing again about kissing in a park underneath the stars. She growls in frustration and picks up her phone again.

“Not now Michael I told you I’m busy busy busy today”

“Do me a favor Megan and check the back pocket of your skirt.”

“Michael Yen I really don’t have time to play games with you today if you want me back in time for dinner.”

“Please, Meg. Trust me on this. You’re gonna love it.”

She slips her hand in and retrieves a neatly folded blue Post-it with two simple words on it. Look UP. She looks up, and there he is, standing right in front of the glass door of her office, one arm raised and waving at her, the other holding up a small Subway paper bag.

“Sometimes me think what is love, and then me think love is what last cookie is for. Me give up the last cookie for you.”

She plants a big kiss on his lips and smiles. He just quoted Cookie Monster and came all the way to bring her her favorite cookie. In the uncertainty of life, there is one thing that she knows for sure. That he knows for sure. He loved her, and she loved him. He puts the beautiful in her life, in his own Michael Yen way.

In the Name of Love

The two of them strolled idly along the hem of the shoreline, feeling the waves crash and tickle their feet as they watched their two dogs Sparky and Snuffles amble in front of them. While Sparky would occasionally chase flocks of seagulls or go splashing into the surf, Snuffles would hold her course, acting like she wanted no part of it. After a while, Sparky would realize that Snuffles was no longer beside him and would bound back to her, and the two would wander around happily until Sparky went crazy again and the whole thing would repeat itself.

“That’s kinda like the way we are huh?” she remarked as she looped her hand across his waist. He raised an eyebrow at her, urging to continue.

“One always chasing excitement, the other holding back?”

“So which one am I?” he asked as he pulled her closer to him. She laughed and leaned into him, resting her head on his shoulders.

“You know Megan, we should aim for the stars. Even if we fall, we’d fall among the clouds.”

“Hmm.. and where have I heard that line before? Its laden with cheese, and those stinky smelly blue cheese, to be exact.”

He laughed, then stopped walking and pulled her to face him, both his hands on either side of her shoulders. “Look at me Meg, I’m being serious here. We only live once. We should sieze the day. Carpe diem. You do not want to be old and wrinkly, looking back on your life and regretting about things, things that should be done but were never did, words that should be said but never spoken?”

“And where is this conversation heading to?”

“Nowhere. It just popped into my mind. What I’m saying is we should be game to new experiences. Take some time off, do things we never did. Together. You want to dance in the rain together? Lets do it. You want to go bungee jumping? I’m game. Try to eat dung beetles perhaps? Count me in.”

She laughed, a tinkly sound that never failed to warm his heart. “Whoa, hold your horses, Aristotle. Who would think, Michael Yen, being all philosophical over two golden retrievers.”

“Megan..” He struggled to contain the frustration in his voice. He wanted her to see his point, he really did, and here she was, making wisecracks.

“Don’t get all grumpy honey. I do get what you mean, but lets take this one step at a time. Perhaps its time for us to slow down a little, and take time to smell the flowers. After all, there’s more to life than working right?”

“You’re right Meg. I love you. Always had, always will.”

“I love you too, M.” She whistled for the dogs, bent down and clipped on their leashes and handed them to Michael. He took them and walked ahead while she waled a little slower behind, savoring every moment of quality time they spent together. She looked at his retreating back, amazed by the sudden rush of love she had for him, and terrified that she would lose him someday. But as she looked even more, the fears all melted away and were replaced by a growing sense of completion, a sense of belonging. She wondered if love was like this for everyone.

Halfway across the parking lot of the beach, he heard her voice calling out to him, asking her a simple question that got his head thinking.

“Michael, how far should you, and would you go in the name of love?”

If you could see me now

There was no simpler way to put it. She was head over heels in love with him. Loved him from all the four chambers of her heart.  Deeper than she had ever fallen for the first time in her life. He could grow a hump on his back tomorrow and yet she would love him still. This was no mere physical attraction. He knew her. Inside and out.  She was all his. Michael’s. She was a part of him. She loved being his aprostrophe s.

YOU YOU YOU

A wave of contentment gently crashes against my soul, like a curl of white foam softly hitting the beach. I have found strength and happiness in places I never thought I would, in unexpected times, in unexpected ways.

THANK YOU. NONONO I LOVE YOU MICHAEL YEN.

- Megan

If This Isn’t Love, Then What Is IT?

When they said the Gold Coast was a wonderful place to be, they sure as hell weren’t kidding. It was a perfect collision of everything she wanted. The warm weather was awesome, the bright skies were awesome, the beach was awesome, the people were awesome – everything was just simply awesome – but she sat there feeling, well, not so awesome. Miserable in fact.  She tried calling him on his cellphone but all she got was voicemail. He was probably in a meeting. Screw stupid time differences. Right now, not even the smell of freshly brewed espressos and baked bagels wafting towards her could make her feel mildly euphoric.

Around him was a buzz of activity- backpackers with their hugeass backpacks and DSLRs sat poring through their guidebooks, Asian tourist with big floppy hats holding up peace signs  and posing in front of Rockefeller Centre. He reclined in his seat in the alfresco area of the coffeehouse, slowly sipping his frappucino and taking in the plethora of people around him – couples meeting up for a quick drink, yummy mummys catching up with the latest gossip, and the occasional workaholic typing up a frenzy, occasionally downing  a macchiato.

He was supposed to be with her on this vacation. They had planned it a year ago, but a sudden job vacancy, halfway round the world nontheless, had suddenly opened up.  She understood what he had to do. Afterall, it was his future. His dream. She couldn’t jolly well stand in the way. Apparently coming on this trip was a mistake. What was supposed to make her feel better in fact made her feel even worse.

Across the road from where he sat was Tiffany & Co. Every girl’s dream shop. Women pulled their partners in, oohed and aahed at the merchandise while the men tried not to balk in horror at the outrageous prices. Then there was the occasional lone, hapless man who wanders into the shop and looks so lost as he embarks on his collosal task of choosing a ring for someone.

“And being apart aint easy On this love affair
Two strangers learn to fall in love again
I get the joy of rediscovering you
Oh girl, you stand by me, Im forever yours…faithfully”

Something about the lyrics of that particular song he strikes inside him, and like clockwork, he rises up from his seat, and marches with the determination of a man set out to do a task and damned well complete it or die. He pushes open the heavy double doors of the stores. He scans through the glass boxes like an FBI agent – determined and focused, and found himself drawn almost magnetically to a ring: plain platinum band with a rose cut solitaire diamond nestled on it. Something about its plain simplicity and glamour told him she would love it. Perfect. He flipped over the price tag and nearly went into cardiac attack. Then he broke into a smile – afterall the price was only a fraction of what she was worth to him. He handed over his American Express card tucked the robinegg blue box the salesgirl handed him in the left breast pocket of his coat – close to his heart.

She sat on the bed, feeling hot tears burning a trail on her cheeks, and meeting at the end of her chin in one big saline drop. Her tears made large, wet splotches on the bed. She was feeling detached and disorientated. For so many years of being a part of someone else, having someone else be a part of her and being one half of a twosome, she now felt truly alone. She hadn’t seen him in half a year, and even his scent was fading from the shirt he gave her before he left. She inhaled deeply, trying to recapture his scent and trigger her memories, but in vain. She buried her head in a spot, half expecting to feel a warm, fuzzy arm around her, only to feel the hotel pillow. She wanted to feel again his hand slip between his neck and shoulder, and instinctively dipped her head, trying to feel his hand with her cheek. She hadn’t seen him in half a year, and all it left was  a void of emptiness and heartache. She knew he loved her and needed her, and he was doing it for their future, but all she wanted right now was to hear him say it to her. Face to face. And at that moment, she resented his job. Resented the fact that it tore the both of them apart, and that he hardly spent time with her. Slowly, she drifted off to sleep, tears streaming down her face.

He stood there, rapidly tapping his card against the marble countertop of the airline ticketing counter, slowly cursing the slow speed of the worker. His heart was already pounding on his ribcage, and he had somewhere he needed to get to, and fast. “New York to Gold Coast, depart at 12.55 a.m., one seat?” He gave a brisk nod as the printer spat out a ticket. Then grabbing his ticket, he ran all the way to the departure hall.

She woke up in the middle of the afternoon, groggily checking the time and shooting bolt upright when she realized she had slept for more 24 hours. Her head throbbed like mad, and her eyelids felt like they were rocks. And that damned pounding on the door was incessant. She hadn’t ordered room service. She wiped her tear stained cheek and squared her shoulders, ready to give whomever outside the door a piece of her mind. She flung open the door and was rendered speechless.

He gave her a megawatt smile. It was showtime.

No distance can keep us apart, as long as you’re in my heart.

The ticking of the bedside alarm clock is the only thing that can be heard. She sits curled up on the window seat, mug of hot chocolate in her hand, her nose pressed against the pane of the glass. Her breath fogs up the glass, and her free hand absentmindedly reaches out and traces three characters: An I, a heart, and a U. She likes the rush she gets when the cold wind hits her, but here she was, indoors, a pensive look across her face. She needed him, no, wanted him to be there for her, complaining about the cold like he always does, and they’ll play argue with each other. Like they always do.

There are sounds of people talking, jumbled sounds, in a wide mix of languages. He’s sitting by the window seat, steaming hot plate of char koay teow in front of him, but all he does is stare out of the window, and into the busy street. He is on autopilot, right hand holding his chopsticks and periodically putting food into his mouth. He wanted her, no, needed her to be there for him, teasing him about how much he ate, and complaining about the bean sprouts, but yet she would eat them when he fed her. Like they always do.

In two different cities, two different cities, two different people, yet linked by their hearts, stared out of the window, out into the night. The new moon was out in the sky, and just a little bit further were two stars, so close yet so far apart. For you see, they were like the two stars, physically apart, but close at heart. She sighs, and walks away from the window, no longer wanting to stare, for even the most fun places to be wasn’t so fun without him. He pays the owner and walks home, as without her, even the most delicious food just wasn’t so appealing. They both give the moon one last glimpse, each hoping that their significant other could see what they were seeing, counting down the days till they see each other again. It was seperations like this that makes them realise how much they loved each other and relied on each other, so much so that it has become a routine in their lives. And it was these little moments that make them cherish the moments that they spend with each other even more.